Title: Padfoot and the Hogwarts Howler
Fandom: Is it Harry Potter? Is it Scooby Doo? Who knows? Who cares? It’s crack. Pointless, silly, unabashed crack.
Author’s Notes: Okay, so I
won’t even go into how this fic in all of its
insanity came to be, but I shall instead ramble a bit about why I decided to
finish it at all, considering its true level of just well, bad
Without a birthday, I had
absolutely no excuse to write kate98 silly fic
illustrating my general joy that she was put on this earth. But then I decided:
to hell with it. I don’t need an
excuse. So, Kate, I finished this for you, because I am extr
Also, caroly_214 and control_freak80 are totally my partners in crime, for they beta’d this.
“Jeepers Harry, it sure is raining hard!” exclaimed Hermione, pushing up her black horn-rimmed glasses on her nose. “Maybe we should try and find some shelter for the night.”
“I, for one, am against
that, ‘Mione,” chimed in Ron from the back. “Se
“Well, we can’t keep going in this, now can we?” pointed out Ginny, tossing a lock of red hair behind her shoulder. “Look, there’s a driveway. Why don’t we go in there and ask if they could let us stay until the storm clears up?”
“Sounds good to me, Ginny!” said Harry Potter, the ever-enthusiastic leader of their little band, as he turned the Ford Angelia (fondly called the Magic Machine) into the driveway.
It was long and had several twists and turns, but finally, the building at the end of the road came into view. It was huge and gloomy-looking, a castle right out of the dark ages. As they parked the car and sat staring in awe, there was a flash of lightening and a crack of thunder, making Ron and Padfoot jump.
“Aw, man, it always thunders before something bad happens! You don’t really expect us to go in there, do you?” complained Ron loudly, teeth chattering. Next to him, Padfoot’s teeth chattered in unison.
Hermione turned around to
look at th
They appeared to consider
the offer for a moment, but their answer was already a given. “Uh-huh!” they
Hermione smiled and fished
out a Chocolate Frog from her bag for both of th
“What’s this now?” he
asked, giving th
“We’re sorry to bother you,” Harry said politely. “But the storm is getting awfully bad, and we were wondering if we could stay here until it dies down a bit.”
Before the man could
answer, a red-eyed cat appeared, entwining itself around its owner’s legs.
Predictably, Padfoot growled. This se
“Mr. Filch,” the voice
said warningly. “Let th
Reluctantly, Mr. Filch
Once inside, hasty
introductions were made while Hermione used her wand and considerable magic
skills to dry off the sodden group of friends. When they were finished,
Dumbledore offered th
After being more properly directed to a large hall, the five friends sat down with their hosts—Dumbledore, the headmaster, two professors named McGonagall and Lupin, and the creepy caretaker Filch.
The food was fantastic and it was sometime before anyone thought of conversation beyond “Pass the potatoes.” Eventually, Harry broke the ice by exclaiming, “It sure is swell of you to let us stay here like this.”
“It’s nothing, Mr. Potter,” said Professor McGonagall as she passed the gravy to Hermione. “We have more than enough room now that so many of our students have been chased away.”
There was an audible gulp from the side of the table Padfoot and Ron had taken over and the dog and the young man looked at each other in stark terror. “Chased away?” Ron squeaked. “B...b...b...by what?”
“I’m afraid that we have a Howler,” Dumbledore replied in his grave and gravelly voice.
“Howler?” Ron repeated, his voice even higher than before.
“Yes, Mr. Weasley, I’m afraid so,” replied McGonagall and she daintily bit into an apple. “And it has caused all of the parents to pull their children out of school. I’m afraid if things do not improve, Hogwarts will be closed.”
“Well, that’s a gosh darn shame!” exclaimed Ginny earnestly.
“Hey guys, I think I smell a mystery on our hands!” exclaimed Hermione, pushing up her glasses again.
“Golly, you’re right, Hermione!” agreed Harry as he smacked the table with his open hand. “Headmaster Dumbledore, someone must be trying to shut down your school!”
“Why do you say that, Mr. Potter?” queried the Headmaster.
“Well, because everybody knows that there’s no such thing as a Howler,” Ginny said as though it was obvious.
“I’m afraid that I have seen him myself, Miss Weasley,” correctly Dumbledore.
“It’s a bad omen,” Mr.
Filch warned as he stood to leave the room. “A Howler means nothing but trouble
for those who go sticking their noses where they don’t belong. I r
By this point, Ron and Padfoot were nearly passed out, half from terror and half from over-eating. “Aw man Pad, I don’t know what we’re doing here!” exclaimed Ron.
“Ruh-uh!” agreed Padfoot.
“Be quiet guys,” Harry said. “We have to help these people or their school will be shut down!”
“Well, who ever liked school anyway?” Ron muttered, still shivering and holding on to Padfoot tightly.
Across the table, Professor Lupin cleared his throat. “Our school is a beloved home to hundreds of students, some of whom begged to stay when we shut down classes.”
“Oh. Well, I guess they don’t mind it,” Ron said weakly.
“No,” Professor Lupin allowed kindly. “In fact, I too have spent most of my life here. If the school closes, I will lose the only real home I’ve ever known.” The older man stood up, gathering several scrolls of parchment and books. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some things to pack in my quarters.”
that’s awful!” exclaimed Hermione as the Professor
exited the Hall. “Harry, we’ve got to help th
Harry nodded, looking decisive. “I know, and we will. We need to split up and search for clues!”
Searching for clues was certainly nothing new to Magic, Inc. – it was one of the best ways they knew to track down a bad guy.
Unfortunately, Ron and Padfoot were having…qualms about the plan. They had been sorted into a team with Hermione and Dumbledore, but as per usual, were having trouble getting motivated.
“No way, man,” Ron said as his knees knocked together. “Pad and I are waaaay too smart to go wandering around a dusty, dark old castle where there is known to be a Howler. Right, Pad?”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” Pad
agreed with an
Hermione, quite put out by their ridiculous behavior, rolled her eyes. “Fine then, scaredy cats, you two can stay here while we go to look for the Howler.” She turned and started to lead the group away.
“A…a…a…ALONE?!” gulped Ron. He looked at Padfoot, Padfoot looked at him, and they both scrambled to catch up. “Wait for us!”
In the other group, Harry looked around at the architecture appreciatively. “This castle sure is amazing, Professor McGonagall.”
“Thank you, Mister Potter,” she replied. “It’s a very unique building.”
“What do you mean, Professor?” asked Ginny, tossing a red lock of hair behind her shoulder.
“Well, besides being a
historical landmark, Hogwarts is known for its secret rooms and passageways,”
explained the Professor. “There are so many that it’s hard to keep track of th
Just then, the large statue of a Pegasus slid to one side and revealed a giant, hairy, growling beast!
“It’s the Howler!” exclaimed Harry. “Run!”
Across the castle, Headmaster Dumbledore, Hermione, Ron, and Padfoot were making their own rounds. “I don’t like the looks of this, Pad,” Ron said nervously. “This is one dark and spooky castle. Not to mention the full moon,” he added, looking out the window. “Freaky things always happen when the moon is full.”
“Ruh-huh!” agreed Padfoot, his doggy knees knocking.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Hermione said dismissively. “There’s no logical reason weirder things should happen during the full moon than any other time.”
“Logical or not, it’s
true!” Ron insisted in the face of her somewhat know-it-all d
“Now that is freaky,” Hermione agreed.
“Yeah,” Ron nodded before frowning. “Wait a minute. Hey! You just….”
Luckily, at this point Dumbledore interceded. “I believe we have searched the entirety of this floor.”
“I think so too, Headmaster. Let’s head downstairs,” Hermione agreed.
Ron and Padfoot were only too happy to go along with this, because
downstairs was where the food was. Unfortunately, before they could reach the
leftovers that were beckoning to th
“Jinkies, it’s the Howler!” Hermione yelped.
There was no reason for her to worry about anyone else — Ron and Padfoot were already tearing down the hall. Dumbledore took Hermione by the arm and followed suit—but not before Hermione noticed a strange looking piece of paper clinging to one of the Howler’s claws.
After what se
“Can we leave now?” Ron asked, Padfoot cradled in his arms. “Please?”
“Not a chance!” exclaimed Harry. “I have a plan!”
Ginny, in turn, was always enthusiastic about Harry’s plans.
“I don’t know. Unless the plan is getting out of here, I don’t think Pads and I are going to like it very much,” Ron said dubiously.
“Don’t be silly, Ron. It’s really very simple. We’re just going to lure the Howler in here. Hermione is going to use her wand to cast a thin sheet of ice on the floor, which will cause the Howler to lose its footing. It will then slide into this table, and I can push the table back, pinning it against the far wall. Ginny, who will be flying overhead on her broomstick, will then drop a net over it, just to be sure it’s trapped.”
Ron looked at Padfoot. Padfoot looked at Ron. “Right. Simple. Why didn’t we think of that?” Ron finally said. Then, after a moment’s thought, he asked, “Wait. How are we going to lure the Howler in here?”
At this, Harry hesitated. “Well…that’s where you and Padfoot come in.”
“You mean that you want us to be the bait?! No! No way, not happening, absolutely positively not.”
“Ru-uh!” Padfoot agreed.
Hermione sighed, walking
up to th
They hesitated, but in the end their cowardice outweighed their stomachs. “No!”
Honestly, Ron didn’t believe it was possible to say no to two Chocolate Frogs. Their agreeable response could barely be heard over the gulping.
“Man, Pads, I just don’t know how we get ourselves into this,” Ron said as they prowled the halls nervously.
Though silent, Padfoot appeared to agree with his bewilderment.
“It’s those Chocolate Frogs, man. We’ve got to start looking out for that trick.”
They proceeded down the hall side by side. “So…do you see any Howlers about?”
“Rope,” Padfoot confirmed. “Roo?”
“No, nothing,” Ron confirmed before brushing away what he assumed was Padfoot tapping his shoulder. “Pads, stop that.”
As if in slow motion, Ron turned around—only to see the Howler hunched behind him, waving a hello. “Zoinks!”
The two friends ran. The
Howler, according to plan, followed th
On cue, Hermione crouched down to cast her ice spell. What she neglected to take into account, however, was the fact that Ron and Padfoot were still running away from the Howler. As a result, when the ice spread under their feet, it wasn’t only the Howler who went spinning out of control, but Ron and Padfoot as well.
The three slipped and slid, finally colliding into one another in a mass of arms and legs that promptly zoomed into the table Harry was standing behind. Somehow, the force of this collision actually managed to propel Harry into the air. With a yell, Harry made a mad grab for the broom Ginny was flying nearby on, managing to catch the handle—but not before he jostled Ginny enough to make her lose balance.
She squealed and they both tipped over, ending up completely tangled in their own net. Ron and Padfoot were just starting to stir against the far wall, and Hermione’s ice was beginning to melt.
Still, the Howler was successfully unconscious, its limbs somehow captured in a chair.
This prompted a triumphant holler from Harry. “It worked!”
Finally, Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and Mr. Filch arrived on the scene. “Good heavens,” Professor McGonagall said. “What have you children been up to?”
It took awhile to untangle everyone and properly revive Ron and Padfoot. By the time everything was set to rights, the Howler was starting to stir. Luckily, he was securely caught by the chair.
Harry, once he had helped Ginny straighten her outfit, marched up to their pursuer. “Now it’s time to unmask you!” he exclaimed before reaching out to pull on its furry head.
“Harry, don’t!” Hermione warned.
When all Harry’s pulling did was cause a growl to arise from the Howler’s throat, Harry backed away. “Say Hermione…is that a real Howler?”
She sighed, rolling up her sleeves. “I was trying to tell you. It isn’t fake. He really is a Howler — or a werewolf, if you prefer. I don’t think he meant to scare anyone, though.”
“Well, who is it?” Ginny asked, still smoothing out the last few wrinkles.
“The only person not in this room with us — Professor Lupin. Look, you can see a bit of parchment stuck in his claws from the scrolls he was carrying earlier.”
“But why would Professor Lupin try to shut down the school?” Professor McGonagall asked.
“He wasn’t. When he
figured out that he was the Howler, I think he was locking himself in his room
on nights with a full moon, hoping that would do the trick. After all, better
to tear apart a few scrolls than a student, right?” Hermione reasoned. “No, the
“Who?” asked Dumbledore.
Honestly, Hermione felt that by this point, it should have been kind of obvious. Still, she humored him. “The only person with a master key, of course — the caretaker, Mr. Filch!”
Everyone’s eyes swung
towards Mr. Filch, who was glowering at th
The next morning, Professor Lupin was back to his normal self, Mr. Filch had been dismissed of his duties, and the students were beginning to trickle back into school.
Outside, Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and Professor Lupin came to say goodbye.
“We can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done!” insisted Dumbledore. “Please, come back any time.”
“Not very likely,” Ron muttered under his breath.
Harry put a hand on his shoulder to silence him. “We were just happy to help.”
“And help you did, Mr. Potter. Students are returning faster than we can get their rooms ready. Now that Professor Lupin has agreed to be locked in a secret room during the full moon, no one is worried about an attack!”
“Glad to hear it,” Ginny said sincerely as they made their way to the car.
“Sure,” Ron agreed. “Thrilled. Now, can we get out of here before classes actually start?”