Title:
Punchline
Author:
Christi (christim@comcast.net)
Rating:
PG-13
Timeline:
Errr…let’s say Season Two, at some point. Because Ronon is more fun to play with
than Ford.
Disclaimer:
I don’t own anything. Except, just maybe, the goat.
Author’s
Note: It is control_freak80’s birthday! Or rather, it was her birthday. In
honor of this occasion, I sat down to write her fic.
Happy, squeeful gen
Atlantis fic, because that’s the way she likes it.
This is…what came out. Don’t think about it too hard, or it’ll make no sense at
all. And sorry it’s late!
--
The
event horizon had barely dissolved when the natives approached th
“Is one
of you John Sheppard?” Priest #1 inquired.
John did
a double-take. He never liked it when the locals se
“We are
three of the Council of Twelve, Priests of the
“Three priests and a goat? That sounds like
the beginning of a bad joke. Ever walk into a bar together?”
“Uh…no. If you are in fact Sheppard, we are here
to discuss a matter of grave importance with you,” intoned Priest #3.
Next to
him, McKay snorted. “And you’re sure it’s him you’re looking for?”
“Yes. You
see, we are the Council that studies the stars and determines the line of
kings, extrapolating from the natural signs as well as the signs given to us by
the Ring of the Ancestors, who the cosmos has chosen as the next ruler of the Engerra, our planet. Initially, we believed that our
current Prince Eriken had the strongest signs. But in
light of some recently discovered texts on the alignment of stars required to
indicate the heir to the throne and some more exact math
McKay,
taking in Sheppard’s slightly glazed over look, laughed. “…You lost him after
‘we are the Council’, goat-man. Could you try getting to the point in ten words
or less? Sheppard’s brain has a short fuse.”
“…We now
believe that Sheppard is the next designated ruler of the Engerra.”
For
John, the world spun on its axis and he couldn’t help but glare at Priest #2.
“…That was more than ten words.”
--
“Seriously,
this is a bad idea.”
“It is
not an idea, Your Majesty. It is destiny.”
“Well,
destiny is wrong, damnit! I’d make a horrible ruler,
don’t you get that? I mean, I don’t know anything about politics, I’m not at
all polite, and I can’t se
“We can
not determine such things. We are not the deciders of destiny; we merely see
that the will of the cosmos is carried out.”
“…Oh God,
you’re serious. I’m telling you, there’s no way that this can end well.”
“The Ancestors
would not choose unwisely. You will accompany us to the
“…What,
you want me to take some kind of prince lessons?! No. Nononono.
That’s not going to happen. Find someone else, because
“I’m
afraid you have no choice, Your Majesty.”
Eyeing
the three dozen men with weapons now aimed at him and his team, John sighed. “I
was afraid you’d say that.”
--
“Sheppard.”
“Ronon! It’s about time!
So, what’s the plan?”
Ronon blinked. “Plan?”
“To get me out of this! Do we have jumpers coming? Reinforc
“Actually,
Weir said t
“WHAT?! She can’t be serious. These people are
insane!”
“I
thought so too, but Teyla se
“Seriously? Come on, this has to be some kind of
mistake. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“I don’t
think anything that has ‘the cosmos’ deciding the fate of an entire planet does.”
“…Good point. But it doesn’t help me at all.”
“Nope.”
“Great. Any words of wisdom?”
Ronon thought for a moment. “I bet royals eat really well.
Enjoy the food.”
--
“Pink. You’re
putting me in bright pink robes.”
“This is
the traditional cer
“…Okay,
see, tradition really is off its rocker. I’m no fashion expert or
anything, but even I know that bright pink doesn’t go well with a garishly
bright green trim and purple sandals.”
“…This
is the traditional—“
“Yeah,
yeah, I got it. I just think it’s ugly.” It even made his hair look
bad—and John had fantastic hair.
“Nevertheless,
it is the traditional—“
“Argh! Forget I said
anything, okay?”
“…Yes, Majesty.”
--
“There
are rules about eating?!”
“Of course, Majesty. Food is often shared at formal
court events, and as such many guidelines about meals and appropriate actions in
regard to food have arisen over the years. Here’s a list for you to learn the
basics.”
“…These
are the basics?”
“Yes.”
“This
list is seven pages long.”
“Yes. I
was impressed we managed to condense it that far. When you have learned these,
we’ll go into more detailed etiquette.”
“Oh, goody. Hmm. Hey.
Dessert must always be served on a golden plate?”
“Yes, Majesty.”
“But
weren’t you people just whining about the economy in
yesterday’s lesson? Why not use the gold from these ridiculous plates to give
yourselves a financial boost?”
“Gold is
worthless here, Majesty. All of our currency is based in carved wooden trinkets.”
“Wood is
pretty common, you know. That could be part of your probl
“It is tra--”
If he
heard the word ‘tradition’ one more time, John might scream. “You know what? Never mind.”
--
“Finally,
something I know how to do. Fighting is one thing I’m perfectly capable of.
Just let me get my gun and we’re good to go.”
“The
Crown Prince is not permitted to engage in battle with mechanical weapons, Your
Majesty.”
“Why the hell not? It’s simple and practical and it gets
the job done.”
“It’s
simply not allowed, Majesty.”
“…But…I’m
really best with a gun. I mean, my hand-to-hand is okay, but nothing to brag
about. Teyla still gets me with those sticks every
time. I’m a great shot.”
“A Crown
Prince is not allowed to engage in hand-to-hand combat either, Your Majesty.”
“Well, what
the hell is a Crown Prince allowed to do?”
“Wield a
javelin.”
“…You
mean one of those long spear type things that you throw and that inevitably hit
nothing of any great significance?”
“Yes.”
“…I hate
this job.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
--
“You
could at least try not to look so miserable, John. Is it really so bad,
being the destined ruler of a whole planet?”
“YES,
“…Yes,
it was rather unfortunate that your training crown caught that Priest in the
eye. How is he, by the way?”
“The witch
doctor or whatever he was said there wasn’t any permanent damage.”
“Well,
that’s good at least.”
“…If you
say so.”
“John!”
--
“Really
Majesty, if you wanted a woman, you simply needed to ask.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well,
it was very unwise for you to dally with Lady Adele. Her family is extr
“For the
last time, I had never met the woman before last night, when you made me do
that ridiculous dance with her! Why is everyone insisting that I had some kind
of torrid affair with her?”
“Majesty
announced it to be so during the dance.”
“I did
NOT!”
“You
did. The Carengo must be performed with a minimum of
twenty-three centimeters between the partner’s torsos at all times.”
John was
getting that all-too-familiar sinking feeling in his chest. “And how many
centimeters were between my torso and Lady Adele’s?”
“Fifteen. Generally, that distance is considered
to be an announc
“And I’m
the only one who thinks that’s absurd, right?”
“Yes, Majesty.”
“Okay. So, what now?”
“Well,
if Majesty does not want to be challenged to a duel by Lady Adele’s father,
Majesty must proceed with the engag
“Engag
“Well, engag
“Out to
chop down some trees.”
--
“Oh,
look. It’s the Three Harbingers of Doom. What can I do for you today?”
“Sheppard,
we have an urgent matter that has just come to our attention.”
“Like I haven’t heard that one before. Spill it.”
“Recently,
our monks have discovered a ruined tablet underneath a t
“…If I’m
understanding you correctly, this means…I’m off the
hook?”
“…Yes, Sheppard. You are released from your obligations
here in the capital city. We do apologize for the inconvenience.”
“…You apologize
for the inconvenience?! Well, how NICE for you!! Meanwhile, I’ve just
wasted six weeks of my life being ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!!!”
“…Yes,
we’re very sorry. We would escort you home, but we must contact the rightful
recipient of the throne right away, you understand.”
“…Of
course. Just go. NOW.”
“Yes,
we’re off to find one…Rodney McKay.”
--
“John!
You’re back!”
“Oh, hey Lorne. Yeah, I’m back.”
“I
didn’t know we had a dartboard in Atlantis!”
“We didn’t.
I made it myself.”
“Funny
it looks like…hey, are there people drawn on that target?”
“Yup.”
“Who are
they?”
“Three Dead Priests and a Goat.”
“…Sounds
like the beginning of a bad joke.”